Our relationships are EVERYTHING. They are the foundations for a happy and fulfilling life. Not just the intimate ones, but also the relationships we have with our family members, friends, and colleagues. Relationships can be beautiful and enriching, but they can also be complicated and confusing! That’s why today I’m bringing you relationship expert and world-class speaker, Matthew Hussey. Guys, this brother is incredible. He has the unique ability to take very complex things and make them understandable and straightforward, which is exactly what you need when dealing with relationships. Connecting with other humans beings is a complicated dynamic, but Matthew has an unbelievable way of distilling it down to simple truths that everyone can resonate with. I’m going to be completely honest with you — this was one of the most information-packed interviews I have ever done. We answered the BURNINGquestions that everyone is dying to know, including whether "the one" exists, how to know if you are in a toxic relationship, and the ‘do’s’ and ‘don’ts’ of breakups. Whether you are single or in a relationship, this interview will give you the answers to navigating and bettering your relationships so you can #MAXOUT your connections with others. In just a short time, you’ll be looking at your relationship with fresh eyes, or if you are single, you’ll be walking away knowing exactly how to get started in the dating world. Get ready to be as inspired as I was!
Matthew Hussey is a world-class speaker, New York Times bestselling author, columnist for Cosmopolitan Magazine, and a relationship/dating EXPERT. With more than 300 million views on YouTube and over 4 million people interconnected in his Facebook group, he has one of the largest following in what I like to call the “life strategy” space. He is specifically an expert on RELATIONSHIPS, a topic that so many people have asked me to talk about on the show. From humble beginnings working as a life coach with individual clients in London’s coffee shops and cafes, Matthew now runs programs across the globe, helping thousands of men and women reach their true performance potential. He has also lectured at Oxford University to the Department of Neuroethics! In packed conference rooms across the US and UK, or on week-long retreats in luxury locations in Europe and America, Matthew and his team have created tailor-made programs designed to help clients transform their lives. Through his online programs, viral internet broadcasts, sell-out seminars, NYT bestselling book Get the Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love You Deserve, and his roster of private clients, he has been able to pass on his insights and strategies to countless people. This guy is the new international guru of the dating and relationship-coaching scene. I am still blown away by the insights I gained from talking to him for just an hour. He has all the keys you need to #MAXOUT your relationships, so let’s dive in!
Everyone’s always looking for “the one” in a relationship. The first question I had for Matthew is one we’ve all been asking — does that “one” exist? Out of the 7.5 billion people on this planet, is there one person, one soulmate, out there for you? He had an answer that was spot on, and he tied the question into a business perspective as well!
“No. The problem with that argument is the same as with the idea of (finding) “your calling.” I do believe that in business, we find a certain business or certain path that meets our criteria … but every now and again, someone in my event will tell me, ‘You found your calling.’ And I think that is a really corrosive idea because instead of bringing passion to the thing that we’re doing, we look for the thing we’re doing to bring us passion ... I think people do the same thing with relationships. I don’t believe there’s one calling for anyone. I don’t want to be attached to this idea that this is the only thing I can be.” - Matthew Hussey
If you spent your whole life looking for one person on the entire planet, you would be in big trouble! First of all, you would most likely never find them. Secondly, you would be looking for them to bring something to you instead of focusing on what you could bring to the table. Just like in business — if you were only committed to finding that “one calling,” you would be missing out. Matthew explained that the way to find “the one” is to choose them and build the relationship you are looking for with them. This person not only has to be RIGHT for you, but they also need to be READY.
“Ultimately, when we’re looking for longterm, we choose someone and we go for it. But I say this to women who come to me all the time. ‘The one’ is both the right person for you and is also ready. Because a lot of people say ‘Oh, he’s so great for me, but he says he’s just not ready.’ Well, then he’s not the right person for you! The right person is both right and ready. And secondly, ‘the one’ is someone who’s going to actually build something with you. You can connect with thousands and thousands of people in this world. But the number of people who will actually build with you is far more limited.” - Matthew Hussey
It really is all about building something with the right person. In a sense, there can be many potential “ones.” It just depends on whether or not they meet the criteria for you to build something that lasts with them. Matthew broke that criteria down into 4 stages of importance in a relationship. These are admiration, genuine mutual connection, commitment, and compatibility.
“We know of plenty of relationships where two people are in love, but they’re not compatible. So we’re not just saying ‘yes’ to each other. We can actually function well together in a relationship at 4stages. And when you have all 4 of those stages, you have someone who has the potential to be your ‘one.’ But you need all 4 stages.” - Matthew Hussey
Good stuff, right? Matthew broke down that age-old question with beautiful simplicity. He also answered another classic question for us — How do you know if someone is toxic for you? This is a question that many people struggle with, whether they are in a potentially toxic relationship or considering getting into one.
I hear the word “toxic” a lot when discussing relationships. Nobody wants to be in a toxic relationship. But it is often the case that people are unsure whether their relationship takes that label or not. After all, it is always challenging to get an objective perspective when you are in the middle of it all. Matthew broke this problem down to one simple test — kindness.
“I think one of the easiest ways to tell if the relationship is toxic for you is asking, ‘Is there a culture of kindness in our relationship, or is there a culture of winning?’ … In a culture of winning, it’s often about inflicting the most damage, saying the most hurtful thing that makes you cry. It’s about getting more emotion out of the other person.” - Matthew Hussey
Sometimes, it really is as simple as kindness. Matthew pointed out that we often value how exciting, attractive, or accomplished someone is. Although those are great qualities, we shouldn’t put them on the top of our list ahead of kindness, which is the most critical quality in the long run. “It sounds so trite, but I truly just want to be around kind people … I could go on a date with the hottest person on earth. And if I found a mean streak in that person, I don’t want to see them again … Because an unkind person is fine as long as everything’s going right. But when something’s going wrong, or when they feel jealous or insecure or threatened — when they don’t feel like the most important thing that day or whatever, they will fuck you up.” - Matthew Hussey Guys — does this sound familiar? People’s true character is displayed when things aren’t going right. How does your partner behave in those situations? Are they always trying to win instead of thinking about your feelings? These are things to ask yourself when analyzing the quality of your relationship. It comes down to kindness and whether your partner puts you and the relationship before their personal agenda. “I think when we talk about real toxicity, a toxic person is someone who consciously or unconsciously is always putting their desire, needs, and insecurities ahead of what is good for the relationship itself.” - Matthew Hussey Matthew’s advice is so empowering and clarifying. Maybe you have realized you are in a toxic relationship or simply are not happy with your relationship and a breakup ensues. How do you handle this in the most healthy way? I asked Matthew to break down the “do’s” and “don’ts” of breakups for us, and he had some incredible advice.
Breakups are tough. There’s not really a way around that. But how you respond to a breakup can change the game for you. Matthew described a fantastic analogy for us about broken relationships by portraying the breakup response in two ways: the hangover response and the athlete response.
“My brother, Steven Hussey, writes for our website and is a very talented writer. He once said, ‘there’s the hangover recovery method in a breakup. And there’s the athlete recovery method.’ ...The hangover recovery method doesn’t get us to where we want to be because it doesn’t make us like ourselves more.” - Matthew Hussey
You can probably guess what the hangover method is. When we have a hangover after a night of drinking, what do we often do? We eat greasy foods to soak up the alcohol. We sit on the couch all day and wallow. The same behaviors apply to the "hangover response" to a breakup. In this response, we eat gallons of ice cream. We sit around and develop a food addiction because we want something to numb our pain. We check our ex’s social media constantly or continually text them to “micro-dose” and have a pseudo-relationship with them. You get the gist. On the other side, we have the athlete recovery method. Think of your heart as a muscle that an athlete has injured. To get this muscle healthy again, an athlete responds by resting it and strengthening everything else that is working properly. Matthew notes that the same goes for the "athlete response" to a breakup.
“Trauma has occurred (to your heart muscle) in a breakup … It probably isn't a good idea to try and bring it back online right now by going out there and having an immediate other relationship because that muscle is not working properly right now. So maybe we can say, ‘Okay, I am recovering by training every other part of me and my life right now. I can re-establish relationships with friends that I lost connection within my relationship since this relationship was so all-absorbing and took so much from me.” - Matthew Hussey
Instead of wallowing in a "hangover response," use the breakup as an opportunity to add things to your life that you were unable to have during the relationship! Add purpose to your life and focus on your goals, just as an athlete focuses on strengthening all of the other working muscles when one of them is out of commission! Matthew explained his version of the ideal athlete response perfectly:
“Maybe there are hobbies that I have always loved doing that fell by the wayside during this relationship, or maybe there are hobbies I’ve always wanted to do that would add new aspects to me that I need to go feed right now to nourish a new part of me. I can add a new dimension to me during this time. I’ve got space, right? Let me add new dimensions here. Let me get lost in my purpose again. Or, if I don't know what my purpose is, let me go on a journey right now to experiment.” - Matthew Hussey
This is some life-changing advice! Breakups are painful, and it’s easy to let them consume you and utilize the hangover recovery method. But instead, it is so much better to help your future self by choosing to recover like an ATHLETE and focus on the areas of your life that you want to #MAXOUT!
Matthew Hussey is the best person in the world to talk to about relationships. He knows his stuff, and he is so generous with his advice and wisdom! In a little over an hour, he gifted me with some of the best stuff I have ever heard. Go check out the rest of the interview — We go into how to keep a relationship full of passion, ways to date in a world of technology, advice about sleeping with someone on the first few dates, and so much more! This brother is an essential resource for all your relationship questions, and you can find him everywhere! He is on Instagram and Facebook, and you should also definitely check out his YouTube channel or website for more great advice! He also offers six-day retreats and has an enlightening talk that he did at the Summit of Greatness conference about business and relationships that you can find here! Don't forget to use the #MAXOUT hashtag and tell me your biggest takeaways in the comments below! I read them every week and select winners who get all sorts of prizes, gear, and even coaching calls with me! I love hearing from all of you, and please share the interview with anyone you think needs to hear it too! Relationships are the core of our lives, and having healthy, fulfilling ones can change yours! I hope this interview with Matthew Hussey gives you the tools you need to #MAXOUT your relationships to the fullest.